Love & Other Drugs

Well folks here I am again, back in Nicaragua after a whopping 72 hours at home in those United States. It was a glorious return. Huzzah! Except….. I had an incredibly painful migraine, and had my first experience visiting the ER with no insurance. Yes, they wanted to charge me exactly $500 just for this 20 minute visit, which will also be accompanied by a separate bill from the doctor. I gave them $100, because that is outrageous and will figure out the rest later. In Nicaragua, there is no medicine like imatrex (at least that I’ve found), but at least I can see a doctor for free if needed! Yikes. Thankfully, the doctor was really wonderful and found me the cheapest/most effective medicine to treat migraines. There’s a man after my own heart. It was really wonderful to see my parents and be back in California, visit a giant book store, and eat pesto. Still, I missed seeing friends, the time was so short, and this question of finding balance is definitely looming in my head.

That brings us to the present. Today is September 7, 2013. I am in a cabin in the woods in northern Nicaragua and it is pouring down rain on the green tin roof. One of my favorite people in the whole big mundo was married today. She is now an honest woman as they said in the old west. I think they did, at least. Naturally, this has got me thinking a lot about relationships and togetherness. Although I’m so thankful for a job, and to be exploring the world, there is a certain level of pain in missing out on these significant life moments in the lives of friends and family. That’s really just what it is: painful. Luckily, this said friend and others have been very understanding and kind and have said such sweet things as 1 day does not equal 1 friendship, BUT, I still feel bad and just sad to be left out of something that is so worthy of a celebration.

Unfortunately, the relationship I’ve been in here in Nicaragua has ended after a lot of ups and downs, and that, too….is just sad. I definitely loved this person and still love this person, but unfortunately, sometimes that’s not enough, as cliché as it may sound. And man is it depressing. Let me tell you when they say love conquers all… make sure you ask a lot of questions. It’s a bit more complicated than that. For example, as I have recently found, you might fully love someone (not by choice but just by fate or by circumstance depending on your view) and start picturing a life with them, mostly because they are picturing it too, and mention things like wanting to marry you, or have a baby with you, and it turns out to all be crap. Craptacular! Boo. Of course, I’m using humor to mask my sadness, and there are certainly worse lots in life, but it still feels like nurturing a sweet puppy all day and then having it vomit and poop in your room seemingly on purpose (I mean the hallway is just outside).

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but basically, in spite of recent heart break, I’ve realized that in the midst of traveling, instead of denouncing love and it’s importance, I feel more than ever that relationships, friendships….all the ships, really… are the most important thing worth nurturing in life.  And while it is truly miserable when it doesn’t work out, I’m glad that I at least opened myself up to the possibility of love, even if it means having to watch it slip away. So to everyone seeing this out there, I wish you a lot of love, and the courage to take the risk to go find it, even if it’s finding a love and appreciation for yourself for the first time. Stay tuned.